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STUDENTS
LOCAL
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B. Laddy Turns Out the Hits
Latest terror message just might be a hip-hop masterpiece
A tape aired Thursday on Al-Jazeera, an Arabic news
channel, reportedly containing a detailed message from Osama bin Laden.
The tape has been confirmed by the CIA as authentic.
On the tape, bin Laden offers a truce to the western world. If the truce
is not accepted by the U.S., al-Qaida will begin a new wave of terrorism.
Our government has stated repeatedly that the end of this conflict will
be on the terms of the American people and none other.
After an in-depth investigation of the tape, I have concluded the translation
that the CIA has provided is faulty. Although I do not know Arabic fluently,
for the purpose of this column, I am now an expert in Middle Eastern
languages. I have concluded that the tape is not filled with a terrorist’s
diatribe but is a mixed hip-hop tape.
It’s clear that al-Zarqawi manned the turntables and that bin
Laden supplied all rhymes. Now, if he can only get past the “kill
all infidels in America” phase, he might be able to sell out Nokia
Live.
On the tape, bin Laden pays homage to the gods of hip-hop with gems
like “Ain’t Nothing but a Jihad, Baby,” “Burqashaker,”
“Livin’ La Fatwa Loca,” “Who dropped the bombs?
Bush! Bush! Bush!” and the instant classic, “Insurgents
in the Cave.”
The production is raw, but you can understand where his inspiration
comes from when you realize the beats he rhymes to are the percussions
of bombs dropping outside his cave.
After an in-depth excursion into the files of Al-Jazeera, I found a
music video associated with the tape. It depicts an R. Kelly-like bin
Laden complete with his beard woven into cornrows, a fresh grill of
gold teeth and “Mohammed” tattooed across his stomach —
by the way, nice abs, bin Laden. What’s your secret? Crunches
or amoebic dysentery from living in a cave for five years?
In the video, he rocks the microphone while spraying burqa-clad dancers
with champagne. One hook I still can’t forget was translated as,
“Got my Koran on my mind and my mind on my Koran. I’m sorry
Allah, didn’t mean to hurt you, but tonight I’m blowing
up a market.”
If interested, download a copy of his latest “Karbala Dreaming,”
in which he croons, “Karbala knows how to party. We keep rocking
in the city of Karbala.” And don’t forget to check out his
b-side dedicated to Northwest Airlines, “Straight outta Kabul.”
Most will question the authenticity of this latest tape, but I know
it’s real. It has that authentic Afghanistan cave reverb.
Hopefully, the world can move past all the killing in the name of God
and we can all just get down and party with our Muslim fundamentalist
fascist brothers because with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed beatboxing, it’s
going to be wild times in old Mecca come next year’s hajj.
All complaints, grievances and hate mail can be directed to the Office
of “You can’t take a joke,” care of the First Amendment,
located at The Shorthorn’s offices in the lower level of the University
Center.
— Cole Dowden is a journalism senior and columnist for The
Shorthorn
Correction
The reference to an airline should have been to the hip-hop group NWA.
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Cole Dowden
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