| OPINION
| NOVEMBER 30, 2005
Food for the Fishes
Freshmen afraid of finals should
listen up and take notes
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| The Shorthorn: Alex Pierce |
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Thanksgiving break has finally come and
gone. This was a break that I desperately needed to get some rest
so that I would be able to buckle down and finish all of my school
assignments when I returned.
However, I spent every night of my break hanging with a different
group of friends that I have not seen in years, which left me in
a sort of perpetual hung-over state. I really need a break from
my break. I just need a little extra time to recoup from the week
of bliss I enjoyed while being away from school. But no. I must
now enter, sleepy and a little dehydrated, the most horrid and exhausting
form of torture known to the modern world — finals.
As I think about the days ahead, I feel as though I am clairvoyant
and I am able to see a tremendous car crash headed my way and there
is nothing I can do to stop it. I just get to live out my last few
days knowing that it is coming and knowing that it is going to suck.
Most of you know exactly what I am talking about and have begun
to sense the terror ahead as if a looming cloud of doom has begun
to form over you, casting your December into the darkness. There
is, however, a group of students on campus who cannot truly respect
the level of suck that is about to befall them, because they have
yet to experience what college finals are all about. This group
is none other than the freshman class.
Freshmen, let me first say this: There is nothing that I will be
able to say that will save you. You are just as screwed as the rest
of us. You might be worse off because those freshman classes really
suck. Since I have been in school nearly as long as Van Wilder,
what I can do for you is impart a little finals-taking wisdom that
I have gained over the many years, so that at least you might be
facing the right direction.
First, I should mention a few of the “right” ways to
get ready for finals. 1) Start studying now. A truly dedicated student
will begin studying a little of everything every night so that it
all stays fresh in your head. I hear that this works very well,
but I have yet to try it. 2) Schedule a study group session with
some classmates. This can potentially be very helpful as some of
the other students are probably smarter than you and can help you
work through your ineptness. However, remember that if too many
students in the group are like you, it is likely that nothing good
will come from the meeting.
Now I know perhaps more than the next guy that stuff happens and
plans don’t always work out. Every year I have planned on
studying weeks before the test, reading all of the chapters I was
supposed to read or at least buying my textbooks.
So if you find yourself on a Monday and you have three finals on
Tuesday that you have not studied for, here are some options: 1)
Pick your hardest class– the one with the test that seems
impossible to pass– and forget about it. This will allow for
more thorough studying of your remaining subjects. 2) Have an all-nighter.
Having all-nighters during finals is a given. Everybody does it.
The trick is maximizing the all-nighter so that you can get the
most out of it. Nothing is worse than waking up on a test day, laying
in a puddle of your own oral excrement to realize that you didn’t
get any studying accomplished and your soaked study notes have fallen
apart.
I have a few special tricks to insure that your all-nighter goes
as planned. 1) Caffeine! Get lots of Starbucks or energy drinks
to insure that you won’t be passing out prematurely. If you
are not a caffeine drinker, you are in luck because drinking caffeine
now will give you a greater buzz and you definitely won’t
be going to sleep. 2) Take a cold shower. You’d be surprised
how awake you will get if you jump into a really cold shower for
a minute. Note: also great for suppressing urges if your girlfriend
is helping you study. 3) I heavily suggest having one study partner
during the all-nighter. That way, if you do doze off, there is someone
to smack you back awake, and you can take turns quizzing each other,
which I think is by far the best way to learn anything.
Freshmen, I can’t stress enough how bad finals really are,
so heed these tips and perhaps they will save you some trouble.
And chin up, Christmas is right around the corner. Think of taking
your finals as getting a really bad shot, but then getting to have
some ice cream right afterward.
— Brandon Leirer is a film junior and illustrator for
The Shorthorn
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