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OPINION
| february 13, 2004
Guest Column
Time, Commitment and a Mate
The perfect relationship takes
more than just the right ingredients
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| The Shorthorn: Ryan Hartsell |
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It’s dying — the long-lasting
relationship shows signs of vanishing from America. Marriages continue
to dissolve at a high rate. Based on a 1995 study of 10,847 women
ages 15 to 44, one in three marriages dissolve within the first
10 years, and one in five breaks down within the first five years.
Relationship problems exist in friendships as well — finding
a true friend seems nearly impossible. A 2001 generational survey
conducted by Barna Research Group, Ltd. of California revealed that
only 23 percent of students under 20 years old build good friendships
compared to 41 percent of 20 to 38 year olds.
Some blame the transient job market and career ambitions for relationship
problems — when someone moves away, relationships are often
forgotten. Those reasons may be valid, but building a lasting relationship
goes much deeper — it takes persistence and hard work. Even
though abundant information and help are available, many people
still don’t understand how to build a good relationship. Frequently,
people inquire about my successful 27-year marriage, so I decided
to share some things about relationship building.
What many fail to understand is that a lasting relationship means
placing the right ingredients into a slow cooker to produce the
most delicious results. Some treat relationship building much like
microwave cooking — they want instant gratification with very
little preparation or clean up time. Successful relationships require
time, commitment, trust, selflessness and respect from both people.
Commitment means more than an emotional, erotic response to body
language and chemistry. It’s a conscious decision to support
and be faithful to that person even during moments when they aren’t
“likable” or “attractive.” It means taking
the time and steps necessary to work through large and small problems.
Ignoring problems only makes them worse and weakens a relationship.
If someone wants a strong relationship, they must decide to be unselfish.
Putting another person’s needs and desires before their own
takes practice, communication and caring. Careful listening will
help one to discover a friend or partner’s needs. If people
expect their partners to share their needs, they must be vulnerable
enough to reveal their own. Practicing unselfishness and good communication
has strengthened both my character and my relationships.
Lasting relationships depend on mutual trust and respect. Two people
must be able to share their deep, dark secrets without fear of being
misunderstood or experiencing a broken confidence. They need the
assurance of a friend or partner’s loyalty to the relationship.
When trust is lost, it often spells doom for the relationship. Showing
respect, regardless of personality quirks and differing viewpoints,
provides a firm foundation.
Obtaining the qualities mentioned above doesn’t guarantee
a perfect or lasting relationship. There are many other qualities
involved such as common interests, moral values and religious beliefs.
These characteristics usually bring two people together initially.
Once these are established, it takes commitment, respect, trust
and unselfishness to build and maintain a strong connection. If
you experience trouble in building relationships, get some professional
advice. Psychologist Phil McGraw, seen frequently on “The
Oprah Winfrey Show,” offers a free online relationship health
profile at www.DrPhil.com as well as customized advice. UTA Health
Services offer low-cost counseling for students, staff and faculty.
Often, I hear people complaining about relationship problems, but
when I share possible solutions they don’t seem willing to
work hard enough to fix them. If relationship problems are a frequent,
maybe you need a new approach when building them.
The microwave-cooking approach may work to produce tasty popcorn,
but building a worthwhile, lasting relationship takes a lot longer
than three minutes on a high-power setting.
— Kim P. Jones is an interdisciplinary
studies graduate student.
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